Our Shades of Brown & Blended Families

So lately we've been a lot more involved in community organizing and since the kids are getting older we decided to start bringing them along to make sure we are not neglecting them in the process of helping others or creating spaces that we would like to think help others. Sometimes it's frustrating because they are kids and when we are at a meeting that is not kid-friendly they get bored.

Most of the time before meetings that both my partner and I are attending, we decide whose in charge of the kids for the meeting: this includes entertainment, food and taking them out of the room if they are having a tantrum. Usually the system works well, but I have noticed that when it's my male-identified parner's turn he seems to get more compassion and help. Like people literally say, "oh can I help you!" or "I can hold him for you." When it's me, it's definitely more expected. Even if I'm in the middle of talking or essential to the planning process. 

Sometimes I get looks, you know the looks that say, "aren't you gonna get up and help this poor man?" I used to respond to these quickly and get up and take over but recently I kinda look back and smile and continue whatever I am doing. We have a plan and being a parent isn't easy so I know he'll figure it out. Anyway that's another post in itself :) 

In this work we meet a lot of new people but we also encounter people from our past. Last week Andrei was sad and told me: "Mom, why does everyone call Adrian, little Isaac?" "Am I little Isaac too?" I felt a little jab in my stomach and all the times people call baby Adrian little Isaac in from of Andrei flooded into my head.

The other day some random friend of Isaac's said, "Oh wait these are your kids? But the youngest one is the only one that is really yours, right?" I looked over at him, like WTF. Cause really who says that to a family of brothers and sisters?

Andrei and Baby Adrian have different biological fathers. 

I guess a solution would be keeping them home away from it but what's the strength in that? Cause let's face it. We are a blended family and we can't pretend we are not. Truthfully here in our home there are no differences. But recently, I can tell the kids are starting to defy and question our family structure. I hear them asking questions based on the way they are treated by adults outside the home. Extended family, friends and community members. 

A while ago, Nati told me, "Mom, why do _______* always say Adrian is dark? He's just really dark brown. I don't care what they say he looks like me!" I didn't address it because I didn't know how. 

Many of the people that make these comments are family, how do you tell them, "Hey! Your being a jerk," without being a jerk yourself? 

So, if your reading this and you haven't checked the language you use around children because you assume they are not smart or they don't understand that you are being prejudiced, well guess what, kids do understand. Sometimes, they understand more than us adults understand because they are not biased or tainted by adult perceptions. They are little people that have the same thought processes, and whose adult influence affects learning structures, identity and understanding.

Anyway suggestions and comments are readily accepted :) 

Personally, I never thought shades of brown would cause issues in blended family. I always assumed it would be other stuff.


* left out names because it would be mean to call them out. But the kids know and remember and it does hurt their feelings to be treated differently because they look different or have different dads.